Bill piled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced,
“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she’d run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, ‘My old man’s home! My old man’s home!
================================================
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, OK, but what about that hook? “What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”